


I Only Dream About Us (without us)

by yamajiroo



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, I WANT TO CRY, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, It's angst, M/M, Mention of sex, Please Don't Kill Me, Problematic Yuto, yutoyama - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-29
Updated: 2019-09-29
Packaged: 2020-11-01 11:01:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20814035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yamajiroo/pseuds/yamajiroo
Summary: “Tell me, Ryosuke. Tell me, why should I rearrange my life just to fight for you? Tell me why should I change for you.”“Because all is left for you is me.”





	I Only Dream About Us (without us)

**Author's Note:**

> yes, hello, and i'm sorry.
> 
> this is all i could think about when i opened my notes. 
> 
> i've been listening to emotional oranges - corners of my mind, and the song... well, it inspire me to write this angst?? :') 
> 
> i'm sorry. i've been so stressed out with college and i don't know why i wrote angst.
> 
> oh, also, you can find me on twitter / @chocolattaaa. i post random stuff about yutoyama, jump, yamada and nakajima, mostly. let's be frens. :')

His life is a mess.  
  
He tried, to be good, to be a better son, to be a better person, but even life can't seem to let him have the good things. His girlfriend left him, for another manーfor a _better_ man, said he was too much of a mess she couldn't fix, and left him in the middle of their supposed to be anniversary date. He was getting better, at least he thought he was.  
  
But then his Father decided to stand in between everything he had come to love. His cameras, his drums, music, his career. The next morning, his Father decided that he will be his successor, said it was an absolute decision.  
  
Nakajima Yuto never came back home afterwards.  
  
And Yamada Ryosuke had to bear with Yuto for months.  
  
Yuto, who always came home late, reek of alcohol, drank his ass off and passed out on the living room. Some nights, he would wait all night when Yuto didn't contact him, he swore he could die worrying about him only to find out that Yuto spend all those countless nights with a woman.  
  
Until one day, Ryosuke couldn't take it anymore. Not because he's tired of taking care of his best friend, but because Yuto is killing himself like this. And it hurts him more than anything to see his best friend, _the love of his life_, trapped in this circle.  
  
“Yuto, please, don't go back to that club,” Ryosuke begs, worry and hurt evident in his eyes, but Yuto refused to see them. “It's not good for you...”  
  
“What do you know about it? You never even been to one,” he chuckles, “Don't worry, I'll come back around 3, as usual. Promise I'll be quiet.”  
  
“No. I won't let you go, not anymore,” Ryosuke dashes to the front door, locking it and tucking the key into his pocket.  
  
“Ryosuke, what the fuck? You can't—”  
  
Just as Yuto reaches for the key in his pocket, Ryosuke wraps his arms around the taller's neck, pulling him into his warm embrace.  
  
“I'm here, Yuto... I'm here.”  
  
And the next thing Yuto knew, he was on the bed, with Ryosuke writhing underneath him, his body glistening with sweat, moaning his name like there is no tomorrow, somehow Yuto loves it. Ryosuke was always beautiful, and he's even beautiful sprawled underneath him like this.

* * *

It happens for months.  
  
Ryosuke had to deal with Yuto; rough and merciless, but at least it stopped the latter from going to the club, for a while. Sometimes Yuto would treat him as if he's just someone he met on the club, but sometimes, he treats him like he cherished him more than anything. As if he has feelings for him, as if he _loves_ him.  
  
One day Yuto went out and came back five days later, and it's been difficult to deal with Yuto since then.  
  
“Yuto, what do you want for dinner?”  
  
“Don't bother, I'm not going to have dinner here.”  
  
“Where are you going to have it, then?”  
  
“Somewhere not here.”  
  
_It hurts._  
  
Yuto is avoiding him, for god knows why, and Ryosuke is not going to have any of it.  
  
“Am I not enough...?” He knows, he would probably lose everything with only that question alone, but he can't bear feeling like this any more.  
  
“Is the sex not enough?”  
  
Ryosuke feels like someone had just choked him. “What?”  
  
“I _fucked_ you, what else do you want from me?”  
  
“That's not even close to what I've been wanting all this time, Yuto. You know, _you_ fucking know I have _feelings_ for you,”  
  
“Is that it?” Yuto's cold eyes bore into Ryosuke's teary ones, “You want us to be a thing.”  
  
“That's not just it, Yuto—”  
  
“Then what the fuck do you want?!”  
  
Grabbing Ryosuke's wrists, he pinned the older to the wall, ignoring the wince of pain coming from Ryosuke's mouth as his grips tightens.  
  
“Tell me, Ryosuke. Tell me, why should I rearrange my life just to fight for you? Tell me why should I change for you.”

Silence greets him. But then Ryosuke opens his mouth.  
  
“Because all is left for you is me.”  
  
As true as it is, Yuto is not going to admit it. Yamada Ryosuke is one of many, Yuto has more than Ryosuke thinks. He definitely is not the only person he has left.  
  
But Yuto looked away.  
  
Because Ryosuke is crying. And it hits him how the older was right, _always_ right.  
  
“I don't care if you reject me, I'll stop asking for more, I'll erase this feeling for you. But Yuto, I just want you to stop being like this. That's all I want...”

The grips loosen.  
  
“You're not the only one I have left.”  
  
Yuto left him.  
  
And Ryosuke was far too gone drowning in the pain to run after him.

* * *

Days passed, and Yuto never got any missed calls nor texts from Ryosuke. No more '_please come home_', '_don't drink too much_' and '_I love you_'.  
  
Weeks passed, and Yuto still got nothing.  
  
He's been staying in a hotel, some nights spent in some random stranger's place that he met, some nights spent in his hotel room thinking about what happened that night.  
  
Yuto never contacted Ryosuke. And he never came back to his apartment since then. He thought it would prove the latter that he was wrong.

_But was he?_  
  
Yuto is sober, and he's been thinking.  
  
And the face that Ryosuke showed him that night, the pain in his eyes, the tears...  
  
It haunts him.  
  
So there he is, standing, insecure, scared, reaching for the doorknob hesitantly. It's open, which is quite odd, knowing Ryosuke usually work at this hour and he's always locked the door. But Yuto opens it, and everything is clean, tidy, as per usual.  
  
Only that it lacks... Ryosuke.  
  
Too spacious.  
  
Nothing in the apartment that indicates Ryosuke is still living there.  
  
Somehow it hurts him to see the only thing that screams Ryosuke was the picture of them, on the coffee table, with a piece of paper on it.  
  
It was the last picture that he took, a few days before they graduated from the University. They were both smiling. Ryosuke was hugging him, and he had his arm around Ryosuke's waist. It was perfect.  
  
The pain in his chest is getting more unbearable as he picks up the paper, the messy handwriting that he knew belongs to Ryosuke, and Ryosuke only...  
  
_'I'm trying to forget, peace and reset._  
_Thought what we had was unbreakable, guess I was wrong._  
  
_I've been dreaming about you, about us._  
_I only dream about us, without us.'_  
  
Ryosuke _left_ him.  
  
He had lost _everything_.

**Author's Note:**

> should i make a sequel? :'))))


End file.
